Feeling Too Much or Nothing at All?

Let’s Talk About Your Window of Tolerance

Have you ever felt like your emotions are too much or that you don’t feel anything at all? Maybe you’ve found yourself snapping at someone over something small or completely shutting down when life gets overwhelming? You might feel your heart start pounding, your mind racing, or you go numb and disconnect emotionally.

These are signs that you may be outside your Window of Tolerance—a concept from trauma-informed therapy that helps explain how our nervous system responds to stress, threat, and emotional pain.

Let’s explore what this means – and how understanding it can help you feel more in control.

What is the Window of Tolerance?

The Window of Tolerance is a term developed by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe the zone in which your nervous system feels safe enough to function well. When you're within this window, you’re more likely to:

Stay emotionally present
Think clearly and make decisions
Connect with others in meaningful ways
Feel and manage emotions without being overwhelmed
Respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively

Being in your window doesn’t mean you’re always calm or happy – it just means you’re able to feel what you feel without becoming completely overwhelmed or shutting down.

What Happens Outside the Window?

For many trauma survivors, it can be easy to get pushed out of the zone – especially when something reminds your nervous system, even unconsciously, of past danger. When that happens, your body may shift into a survival state to protect you.

Hyperarousal (Fight or Flight). This is when your nervous system speeds up. You might feel:

Intense anxiety or panic
Racing thoughts
Irritability or anger
Overwhelmed or unsafe
Trouble sleeping or calming down.

Your body is preparing to fight or run to keep you safe – even if there’s no clear threat.

Hypoarousal (Freeze or Shutdown). This is when your nervous system slows down or goes offline. You might feel:

Numb or emotionally disconnected
Mentally foggy or confused
Exhausted or spaced out
Unable to act or speak
Frozen, helpless, or invisible

This is your body’s way of shutting down to protect you when things feel too overwhelming.

You’re not broken – your nervous system is trying to keep you safe.

If you’ve lived through trauma, your nervous system has developed powerful ways to protect you. These survival responses of fight, flight, freeze are not weaknesses. They are evidence of the strength and intelligence of your system.

But over time, these protective patterns can start to feel limiting. You might feel stuck, disconnected, or out of control.

The encouraging news is this: with awareness and support, you can learn to work with your nervous system, gently expanding your Window of Tolerance so you can experience greater calm, connection, and a deeper sense of yourself.

Ways to Come Back Into Your Window

When you notice yourself feeling off center, there are regulation tools that can help you reconnect with your sense of safety. Everyone’s nervous system is different, so it’s important to find what works best for you.
Here are some practices to explore when you feel yourself slipping outside your Window of Tolerance:

When You’re Overwhelmed or Anxious (Hyperaroused)

Try slow, steady breathing – focus on longer exhales to help calm your system
Grounding through your senses (notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch)
Move your body – take a short walk, stretch, or shake out tension
Repeat a soothing phrase or mantra that helps you feel more anchored

When You’re Numb or Shut Down (Hypoaroused)

Use temperature shifts: splash cool water on your face or hold something cold like an ice cube
Gently engage your senses with textures, music, or movement
Use your voice – hum, whisper, or sing softly
Connect with someone supportive if it feels safe – even brief check-ins can help you feel less alone

Remember, the goal is not to “fix” how you feel or force yourself out of a state – it’s to gently support your system in returning to a place where you feel safe and more present.

You Deserve Safety—Inside and Out

Learning to live within your Window of Tolerance takes time especially if your window was not supported in the past or has been narrowed by trauma. But it is possible. Therapy can help you:

Understand your patterns without judgment
Practice new ways to feel safe in your body
Expand your capacity to feel, connect, and express

You don’t need to push through. You don’t need to “get it together”. Your body has wisdom. You just need to feel safe enough to heal.