The holiday season has a way of magnifying how we feel. The lights are brighter, the expectations are higher, and the pressure to be joyful can feel heavier. For those navigating the death of a loved one or the end of something important in your life, the holidays can bring a unique kind of ache. If this holiday season feels complicated, painful or exhausting, you are not doing anything wrong, you are a normal human navigating grief during the holidays.

My son, Will, died in October several years ago. That first round of holidays after he died was surreal. I would say yes to things and then realize that I could not follow through. I gave myself permission to show up or not show up. I would leave events right in the middle of someone’s sentence. When I needed to leave, I left. I would start crying at the most unfortunate times, oh well. I worked hard to not worry about whether others were uncomfortable or not by my tears or my pain. Trust me, they were not nearly as uncomfortable as I was, grieving is uncomfortable.

The holidays are filled with memories, sights, sounds, smells, songs and rituals that are emotional landmarks, triggering our grief and loss. Of course, you are missing your someone or something more intensely this time of year. Your grief deserves gentle attention. Here are some ways to offer yourself compassion this year:

You do not have to be “Merry”, it’s ok to “just get through” this year.
Allow all your feelings when they arise. Do not “fix” the feelings just notice them with kindness.
Set boundaries that protect your emotional energy. Say “NO” and protect your peace. Leave early. Always give yourself an exit plan.
Create moments of quiet for yourself. This will protect your nervous system. Have a calming ritual, step outside, breathe, carry a comfort object.
Take one moment at a time. You get to decide what feels bearable in any given moment.

Grief often includes longing for connection to the person, the relationship, the dream, or the life season that is no longer here. The holidays can be a meaningful time to honor that connection. It might look like:

Lighting a candle
Sharing memories
Hanging a special ornament on the tree
Wrapping up in a blanket and listening to music that honors your loss

After Will died, we continued to hang his stocking on the mantle every year. His siblings depended on that ritual. My living children are 23 and 28 now and they still look forward to seeing Will’s stocking on the mantle every year.

You are allowed to change traditions or skip them all together. Sometimes what once felt comforting now feels painful. It’s ok to adjust. Simplify your plans, celebrate differently, create new traditions, or skip this year entirely.

My dear friend, whose brother died suddenly, started going to a beach every year for the holidays to change the scenery for herself and her family. After a loss, someone may manage the holidays by doing random acts of kindness in honor of their loved one. Leaving food and gifts in certain places with a tag that says, “Love (child’s name),” walking a healing trail in the mountains on the holiday, or going to a women’s shelter and helping cook and serve meals are just a few ways to honor losses.

Joy and pain can co-exist; we can laugh and miss our person or our old life. You are not betraying anyone by feeling moments of lightness.

Grief during the holidays is hard. So hard. If you are reading this and trying to find your way through this holiday season with tenderness, then you are already showing courage. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to feel a certain way. You simply need to be gentle with yourself and get through it. Your grief is valid, your needs matter, and you deserve tender loving care during this difficult season.

If you are navigating grief of any kind, we would be honored to witness that grief with you and help you process through the pain. Please reach out to NCTP and allow us the privilege of walking this grief journey with you.

Navigating Grief During the Holidays