Shame: How to Recognize It and What the Heck To Do With It
What is shame?
Have you ever found yourself withdrawing or pushing people away? Have you ever found yourself saying what you think other people want to hear in effort to fit in? Have you ever found yourself judging or criticizing someone? If so, you might be having a shame response.
Brene Brown, a PhD at the University of Houston who researches shame and vulnerability, defines shame, “as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Believing that something we’ve experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
In my work as a therapist as well as my own personal journey of healing from trauma, I find shame to be prevalent and destructive for all of us. Shame is the belief that we are not enough, that something about us is flawed or less than. Shame and guilt frequently get interchanged even though they are so vastly different.
Shame is the belief that I am not enough; not good enough, thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, that at my core I am not worthy of love and belonging. Guilt means that I did something wrong. Guilt is about behavior. Guilt can be very helpful and healthy.
Guilt holds something that we have done or have failed to do up against our values and creates a feeling of psychological discomfort. It is emotionally healthy to own our behavior and make amends for that behavior. We are human and we will make mistakes!
For example, if I lose my patience with my child and yell at him, it is healthy to feel guilty about yelling. I can go back to my child and apologize for my behavior. My child then learns that they did not deserve my “yelling” and that it is ok to make mistakes, and owning those mistakes is good behavior.
Shame is a fear response. Fear that if people really knew me, they would see that I am not worthy of love and belonging. If people know the truth about me, what I believe, how much I struggle, they won’t like me. Shame is the intensely painful fear of rejection and disconnection.
When we are “in shame”, we tend to blame others, strive for perfection, lie, withdraw or numb. Brene Brown likes to say that we start “hustling for worthiness” by presenting well or people pleasing so people will “like us”.
How can we learn to recognize when we are in shame?
The first step to shame resilience is being able to recognize shame and to know our triggers. When we cannot recognize shame and understand our triggers, shame can make us reactive instead of responsive. On the other hand, if we learn to identify what shame feels like and what triggers our shame, then we can become mindful and make informed decisions regarding our behavior.
What does Shame feel like & what triggers it?
What does shame feel like in my body? For me, my cheeks get hot, I feel anxiety in my chest, I get a lump in my throat. We are all different, but developing a connection to what you are sensing in your body is a great place to start.
Next, consider what might trigger your shame. Brene Brown suggests thinking about how you want to be perceived and how you do NOT want to be perceived, this will lead us to many of our shame triggers. For example, if I want to be perceived as a mother who is calm and able to balance a career and motherhood and I don’t want to be perceived as overwhelmed, stressed out or too ambitious, those are clues to my potential shame triggers. When we can identify how we want to be perceived and write those down, it gives us some understanding about what perceptions might trigger shame for us.
As an adoptee, I had a great deal of childhood trauma around abandonment and rejection. To feel safe, I became very good at reading the room, deciding what “they” needed and pleasing them. I was a people pleaser, always taking care of others at the expense of myself, in hopes they would need me, love me and not leave me.
Early in my own personal therapy, I started learning about shame and how I hustled for worthiness so that I could feel like I was enough. I excelled at school, followed the rules, got straight A’s, was an athlete and an honor student, I was always in a good mood, easy to deal with, no trouble at all!
My therapist helped me to see that my goal was to belong and feel loved and safe, my people pleasing to feel “enough” was causing me to pretend and present well, which disconnected me from the people that I wanted to have an authentic relationship with.
When I feel resentment, I know that I am in shame. I know that I have pleased others at the expense of myself.
First, resentment feels like I am carrying a huge concrete block on my shoulders (picture a big concrete block from a construction site on the interstate). Once I recognize what it feels like in my body, I can then honor the resentment, feel it, allow it to be my truth, feel it until it dissipates. With this knowledge, I can use it as a tool to redefine my boundaries and continue to work on being honest and authentic in my relationships.
What’s the antidote to shame?
A dear friend of mine asked if she could come and visit me, I said sure! I was excited thinking she would come for the weekend. I love her dearly and she has a very intense personality that takes a great deal of energy.
When she was planning her trip she sent me her flight options, and I realized that she was planning to come for several days. I felt the anxiety in my chest, I started planning things that I could say that would not hurt her feelings and then I realized that my shame was triggered. I want her to like me, she is very important to me.
Once, I recognized that I was in shame and I was trying to “get out of it”, I realized that I was having a shame response. I was able to talk to myself with a great deal of compassion and say, “Amy, sweetie, it’s ok to tell her the truth. It is ok that you are a highly sensitive person who needs boundaries around how long she stays with you.”
After I said that to myself, I felt a sense of calm in my chest and I was able to tell her the truth. I simply told her that I was excited for her to visit and I was only available for the weekend. She did not even question it and chose a flight accordingly.
Because I want to be perceived as someone who can handle “anything”, will make time for my friends not matter what the cost to me, and want my friends to know how important they are to me (because they are), I thought that meant I needed to do what she wanted not what was best for me.
Because I was able to connect with my body, honor my feelings and bravely set my boundary, we had a wonderful time together and I did not have to battle resentment!
The antidote to shame is vulnerability. The vulnerability to be authentic and tell the truth about us and our needs. To set boundaries that protects our nervous systems and our relationships. It is very uncomfortable to feel “vulnerable” and yet it leads to an authentic honest life. What is unhealthy is to try to outsmart, outrun, or to numb vulnerability.
To recap: Shame is the fear of disconnection, the belief that I’m not good enough.
We:
Blame and shame others
Strive to look or be perfect
Lie
Hide out
Numb
Hustle for worthiness by people pleasing or presenting well
Healing looks like what Brene Brown calls “Wholeheartedness”, meaning we engage with the world from a place of worthiness. Knowing that we will screw up sometimes and that does not change that we are worthy of love and belonging.
If this resonates with you please reach out to NCTP and let us help you to heal your Shame and recognize your Wholeheartedness!
Let us help you heal your shame